So I’m really into beards right now.
I’ll admit that for the most part, this fascination is rooted in a perverse sexual attraction but there’s another part of me that is captivated by beards simply because of the way they can transform a man’s face.
A clean-shaven and smooth face can make a man very sexual. There is no denying this. But take that same man and adorn his chiseled jaw with a few days of wild growth… delicious. Better yet, take that same man and give him a thick beard that has been manicured with manly love over the course of a few months and boom… game changer.
Now that my affliction for grizzly grins has been explained, imagine my joy when I came across Freeway’s list of the 10 Greatest Beards in Hip-Hop over on Complex. Freeway is said to have Philly’s finest beard and I would agree with this, yet his masculine and concise list left me unfulfilled. Therefore, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling the true list of the greatest beards in hip-hop from a female’s perspective. You’re welcome.
It was actually Mr. Mood Muzik who inspired this entire article in the first place. His fuzzy face during the cypher at 2011 BET Awards almost fully distracted me from his dainty and delicate handling of the microphone. I said on Twitter that I would like to take this beard out on a date. Maybe buy it a nice meal, have awkward small talk and fight over who’s paying the bill. This is a good look, Joe. (That whole Esther Baxter situation though….not so much.)
Oh, you know…no big deal…I’m just a gorgeous, conscious, thought-provoking poet and lyricist, a talented actor and a committed activist with an unparalleled sense of style AND AN IMPECCABLE BEARD.
Things I want to do to and with this beard:
• Write it poetry
• Challenge it to a game of chess
• Cook its favourite meal
• Collaborate on a manifesto outlining the misogynistic and racist imagery that is deeply embedded in our consumer culture, encouraging a radical upheaval of the pillars of capitalism that help sustain these subliminal messages
• Make out
The BAWSE beard. I’m convinced he hides things in here. I also bet this beard consistently smells like various fried foods and the cheap perfume of immoral groupies.
Sorry Freeway, this is not only Philly’s finest beard – it’s Philly’s finest rapper. In fact, it’s one of the world’s greatest rappers. But this isn’t about that. This is about the beards. Black Thought gets a nod here for two reasons. One is because I’m totally biased and two is because it has been one of the most consistent beards in the game. I feel like I’m friends with this beard.
This isn’t even a beard.
This is a majestic waterfall of masculinity.
This is your favourite beard’s favourite beard.
This is a movement.
And the “We See You Trying” Award goes to…
Drake. Because Drake doesn’t have a beard…he has a chin Snuggie.